I keep pulling short curlies out of my mouth. Not cool
he just asked if i would like him to change his diet so his jizz tastes better. keeper? i think so.
make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
Vodka @ 9pm. Library. Nothing can go wrong, I promise.
I have pictures of you taking tequila shots off the front of the police car when the cop wasn't looking.
For Valentine's Day I've purchased six lighters and I'm decorating them for him. I'm on a full ride to an art school and this is what I'm using my talents for. An intervention is needed. Please stop letting me date stoners.
Oh, and also, a couple of straight girls showed up. But they ran away.
I told him to pick up the beer can he threw in front of the police station. So he gets out chugs whatever's left and throws it back and says ok let's go.
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
Did I let your boyfriend smear a banana into my face last night? Because I have pictures that are telling me I did....
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
Wasted. And I have 5 pounds of potatoes that I'm responsible for.
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
Randomize
