The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
isnt it creepy that our bodies make people
so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
My vagina is scared and excited at the same time. It might not be able to sleep tonight.
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
I don't think my body can handle the alcohol I want to put in it anymore.
How long after mardi gras is it considered okay to wake up topless and wearing beads?
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
This is simple. Just sex and high fives. No feelings.
Theres a point where you stop and say hey....as high as I am on LSD right now ...I`m just a man covered in paint
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
yea so the plan to relive our college glory days was great and all but ending up in the er with alcohol poisoning was crossing the line
Randomize
