I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
Do you think he woke up this morning, looked at you, and then regretted everything?
Very nice. It looks like a Fisher-Price My First Dildo, but still very nice.
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
I tried to avoid catching feelings but then he took me out to breakfast
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
She's dancing around licking a fork of nutella. She is not sober.
im mourning your vaginas lack of frictional upkeep
I woke up in a bathtub full of green and blue Nickelodeon slime! wtf?!
Randomize
