So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
You dont understand. she was my french AND spanish teacher. that's 2 kinds of freaky. i have to find her on facebook.
Dude..masurbate with cocoa butter lotion..its like cocoa pebbles just gave me a hand job
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
Is it sad that I just used my electrical knowledge to not only fix but improve my vibrator?
Yeah we can't find him. He left a note saying he left and isn't that drunk with what appears to be an attempt at the quadratic formula for proof. He also wrote down his number and left his phone by the note
Finals are done.. I just wanna get drunk and pretend I'm a seahorse.
You told us that you don't have to wait in line at Taco Bell. Then, drove up to the window and grabbed someone else's food.
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
After he finished he laid there and told me how much work that just was. I looked at him and told him not to ruin a good thing by opening his mouth.
You kept licking my face. You said you were making sure I was real.
Pretty sure I got at least one girl to question her sexuality at the Christmas party last night
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
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