I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
i couldnt tell she was wearing a bumpit until she started giving me head
I cant believe they held hands while getting simultaneous bjs
Pot head idea of the day: make a maraca out of weed seeds. Or a rain stick? Definitely rain stick.
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
True but, who really needs money in europe? Just barter with sexual favors. A bowl of cereal is worth a blowjob.
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
drinking right out of the bottle and nobody bats an eye.
its good to be home.
I really couldn't care less what she looks like. That's why The Lord Our God gave us doggy-style.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
Randomize
