I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
Its like a 4.5 hour drive but there's drinking involved so I'm destined to go
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
Are we playing "how much awkwardness can we fit in the final 29 hours of 2011"?
yes yes we are. Go do something with super glue. i don't want to win.
I'm not worried. All I have to do is not be the drunkest painter at 8:00. Golden.
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
Yeah. Got a major ego boost when she said she felt like she had just fucked King Arthur. Buying some donuts later to celebrate with, wanna join?
We smoked a blunt in a stall where a drag queen was fucking a bartender in the ass. So theres gonna be a second date :)
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
I just remembered something. We made out last night, people cheered.
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
Randomize
