I wonder how many times I can be hungover in one day
recycled a plan b box. kill a baby. save a tree.
if they reproduce, their children will be the worst quarters players ever
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
Just had to throw up on the floor of my car during traffic on the way to work. Car next to me saw both times. Found the downside to having a job right after graduation.
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
Here's the level of my committment: I'm not participating in the Olympic opening ceremonies drinking game. THIS IS SERIOUS.
Dude. Yeah. This is a game changer. I feel dirty and possibly pregnant and it hasn't happened yet.
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
come over we're fb stalking guys who were dressed as bananas last night because i can't remember which one i blew
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
My mom found my empty case that I hid in my room and just said "now why don't you be a responsible underaged drinker and throw it in the recycling" and walked away. I'm in shock.
The day will come again young grasshopper. For now you must complete your training of patience and tongue biting
Randomize
