At a pool hall. Dudes walkin around with fuzzy handcuffs cuffed to his belt. The douche bag level grows higher still
She made me go down the fire escape when her mom came for breakfast.
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
Let's cut to the chase. What days are we sleeping together this week?
You're doing that 'overestimating how much I care' thing again.
The assistant vp has a bottle of wine on his desk & I have a feeling my boobs will be making an appearance today.
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
Dude, it's not gay. It's winter.
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
You talk the same way I hallucinate.
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
Stranded. In bathroom stall. No toilet paper. I repeat NO TOILET PAPER! Assistance needed asap. GO! GO! GO!
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