Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
He sang nursery rhymes to my vagina to get me to have sex with him..
We did a shot for each one. Father... son... and holy ghost. That wasn't enough though so we moved on to toasting dead relatives.
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
SO AWKS THEY ARE HAVING A COUPLE FIGHT AND I JUST WANT PIZZA
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
Please clarify that he is speaking of beer pong and not rough sex
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
Upstairs definitely just had sex while I wrote you love poetry. That was a fun experience 🤷🏻♀️
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