These people need to leave so I can have rum and Doritos at work like every other American.
the couple across the street's about to bang. go get the popcorn and come join us.
so last night after we hooked up i got my period and woke up this morning with a blood stain on his bed and not only was it huge but i had put my jeans back on before bed so i took the walk of shame with period stained pants
I would give my right arm to go back to college. Or maybe not. Would be kinda hard to pick up guys with one arm. Then again, knowin what I do now...I could take any freshman bithc with only one arm.
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
On an unrelated note, i found out who duct taped shoelaces to my face
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
Oh and someone pissed in my shoes, so I'll let you figure that out.
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
He managed to find a wheel chair and a super mario hat, now hes rolling around screaming "real life mario kart!"
For the love of god, if any of you are up, bring me pants.
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
Randomize
