Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
Thursdays are my worst days
but now we sippin champagne when we thirstay?
if I want to go home with a foreign boy, please feel free to let me go, sober me gives you permission to let drunken me do it
just went to my meeting with last nights make up still on, not wearing a bra, and the 14 shot tallies still on my wrist.. My advisor's questions should be answered as to why I'm not in my major yet.
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
There's gotta be a happy medium between the guys who only want to sleep with me and the ones that respect me too much to try to sleep with me.
His morals are debatable, but his heart or perhaps his penis is in the right place.
His penis is crooked. Right place? Maybe he starts there, but then he slants.
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
I normally need adult supervision or a babysitter, but I refuse to let someone keep me from making irresponsible and wrong decisions at the bar on my last bday ill ever have in texas
And then he said, "let's have sex and I'll send you home with enchiladas."
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
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