Please tell me I didn't pass out while we were having sex last night... and if so I am sooooo sorry.
What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
I just heard an old guy ask the chick he was with if she wanted to try ass to mouth...
thanks for that.
You cheat on me once, shame on me. You cheat on me with a white girl, it's fucking over
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
ur not supposed to find someone to make out with when ur bf takes u to his SISTERS house to hang out with her and her husband
Also I walked home in over mitts \nLet's take a minute to really laugh about that
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
Drinking a grey goose and water in a random chair that I found by the road by myself
So there's that.
He's talking about me being Slave Princess Leia and how he'll chain me up. I don't have the heart to point out that he would be Jabba in that scenario...Is it bad that his lack of SW knowledge is destroying my lady boner?
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
Unexpected pro of the hostel though: literally down the street from Coors Field. I could literally fart on the building in five minutes.
Randomize
