my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
You look at her and you just know the only action she's gotten is from her tampon..
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
it's official, i know exactly what cross streets we're at by the bumps when i give him road head
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
I don't want my liquor store dad to judge me...
I want to wait until after I get laid before I ask him his political affiliation. Just in case. I'm so desperate I would bang a Republican
You're right. Cause really... I'm in the back of his head. Even though what I said was better than "I have herpes"... I did once say that to him. So I'm like a reoccurring nightmare.
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
I woke up next to a Big Mac box.. And had no sheets or clothes on. The night was a success I think.
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