She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
Whatever it was. it was pregnant.
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
GO HOME AND LIKE EVERYTHING ON COLT'S FACEBOOK UNTIL 2007.
Wtf it's a Friday night?
PRIORITIZE.
in the middle of it he kept shouting: im going to be masturbating to this for the rest of my life
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
We were debating whether rain water is clean enough to drink. I won when he started throwing up.
well in DOG beers, i've only had one
How external is "for external use only"?
There seems no grander way to celebrate 420 than to smoke atop a mountain peak.
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
Is kiddo a correct name to call someone who you stuck your dick in?
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
Randomize
