Tip #47, don't trim the bush when you have the shakes!
Bt dubs, I still have cuts on my arm from when you attacked me with a dildo on Saturday night.
I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
Threesome last night. Not that cool, you tend to pick a favorite.
I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
Remember the time we were horrifically hung over, went to mcdonalds, an you merely felt the weight of the mcnuggets box and knew there was an extra?
like it was yesterday
It was a cry at the bar alone type of night, served with a side of passing out facedown in my nachos.
Does saving a line for myself for the morning so I don't seem hungover at work count as responsibility?
Adult decisions.
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
You could at least care enough to fake an orgasm for me.
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
My body isnt used to all this fresh air, sun and booze....ok well maybe just the fresh air and sun...its used to the booze.
Randomize
