I am so horny I keep driving over the rumble strips... best half hour ever.
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
by the end of the night two people were passed out at the table, three on the couches, and one in the bathroom. it looked like someone pumped sleeping gas into the middle of a dinner party.
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
you should have seen it. it was just a bunch of guys in togas chanting the username and password to a brazzers account we all share. best thing that has happened to our group
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
just saw a kid get pissed on buy a tiger at the zoo. His dad is rofling and the kid is crying. I think I have to go make a new friend
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
sometimes i just have a bad day n consider lowering my standards
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