I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
so i'm sitting in his room drinking tequila from the bottle and watching harry potter. he's jacking off to some porn a couple feet away from me. at one point i look over and see that he's watching me instead of the porn. please help me figure out how warped it is that i found that romantic
then out of nowhere we heard a voice yell "Fuck that pussy!"
There's a pair of socks on the bar. No-one's questioned this.
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
So I just told the bartender I would go down on her. You need to get here
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
she tried to douche with champagne. in front of all of us. unabashedly.
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
He shit in a sock dude, you can't come back from that
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
I'm not a morning person, and, trust me, no matter how good your cock may be, it will not turn me into one.
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
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