I'm so over stopping myself from talking about my sexual experiences in front of children.
DUDE DUDE I JUST GOT TH E BEST IDEA FOR A CHILDRENS BOOK "If You Give A Girl A Blow Job"
so i havent checked yet but im almost positive that my left ass cheek is bruised. any idea what happened last night.
what the fuck man? i was JUST texting you the same thing. FUCK
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
How do the freshmen here NOT understand the tricks we are playing on them by now? Doesn't bode well for grad numbers. Idiots.
nothing can ever be as bad as the night i blacked out, updated my fb status to i need a pity fuck and then passed out for 13 hours.
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
Can I color on your dick again?
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
if there is one thing you splurge on it better be nice condoms
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
He smoked and I was tired so left before we did anything. I literally left him high and dry.
Would you by any chance know if there is a proper protocol for traveling with one's vibrator? I wouldn't want the TSA to rip open my suitcase in front of my boss.
Randomize
