Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
Well for one thing, she was eating rice with a shot glass.
I woke up in what appears to be a taco bell graveyard in my bed.
Totally just projectile vomited while ridind a bicycle.
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
I had to feed him the pizza because he was too blazed to do it himself
Okay. We're coming naked. We need Saran wrap and plastic forks.
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
Yeah, this is not that. This is a father and son bonding moment involving my all of my orifices.
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
This weekend I turned down sex to watch the Star Wars marathon... Is this growing up?
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
i pushed adam in a shopping cart for 15 blocks, then we realized we left tyler downtown
did you go back and get him?
nah we went to a karaoke bar instead, so worth it
Do you know how difficult it is to snap a good dick pic while driving?
Randomize
