Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
swears the blind dude on this train is faking. Every day he stumbles and falls into a different girl's lap and then has to grab her tits to steady himself.
just to let you know coffee and vodka was a bad way to start the day
You told me when we were leaving the club if I could pin point your nipple through your padded bra you would show me if I was right.
as he pulled out he yelled "no kids!" and then passed out on top of me
Wanna go watch Transformers and scream "AMERICA!"? I need a no thought activity
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
It was sweet, he carried me out of my bathroom after I passed out, built me a pillow fort so I wouldn't roll out of bed, set a glass of water on the table, and brought me a mixing bowl to puke in. Totally a sign we're more than just fuckbuddies.
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