She told me a very interesting story, complete with pantomimes, about how she got a habanero seed in her vag
Jager Bombs are cool, but hydrogen bombs are where it's at. Sparks and jager equals instant black out, I mistakenly tried eating a cigarette thinking it was a nacho.
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
You rolled around in the grass BEFORE we went in and said it was because "ladies love that eau de earth"
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
Dick sucking on arrival? or would you like to cash that in later?
FUCK IM ABOUT TO GET A DICK PIC IN THE LIBRARY
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
I'm currently in h&m wondering "what exactly is the class level of a swingers resort?"
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
HILY FUCK HES HERE I HAVE MONISTAT IN ME HE SUPRISED ME
I got here. Mom yelled "drink of the day is blueberry sangria" and next thing I knew I was on a slip and slide.
Randomize
