watching elf naked is so much better than watching it with clothes on .
she read insantiy as in-nast-tit-ty and asked what the hell does that mean...
we have 69 mutual friends...i have to add her
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
You don't put off sexcapades. Life lesson #1.
I am the prescription. I can be taken orally or vaginally and in any dosage. This is why I went to med school.
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
He cried & told me I reminded him off his mother. I don't want to talk about it. I want to drink about it.
Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
I'm wine drunk & this is not good news for anybody
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
Randomize
