Mental picture: Us at a bar keeping it classy shot gunning PBR's in the corner.
That was a good example of when keeping it real goes right
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
I just got licked by a stripper, not so great anymore.
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
i love when the champions come out to play im bringin the shock collar this weekend
I feel like a Europe failure cause I'm coming home from the club at 3:30 and so many people are just arriving... Wtf? 3:30am People! Drink earlier!
It's a Tuesday.
I just can't even fathom the crazy and I work at a mental hospital.
On one hand it was kinda weird his girlfriends stuff was at his apartment. On the other hand it was kinda nice because she had great shampoo
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
I am not even ashamed to say it, I got laid in the stairwell of the hotel, by a 29 year old. It was awesome!
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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