im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
dont try to nair your balls. i speak from experience
the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
How did I roll 7 times this month and survive?\nI must be some sort of ecstasy goddess
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
PUT YOUR FRESHLY SHAVED MEXICAN POON ON THAT BEARD. NOW.
They gave me patron and potatoes I couldn't say no
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
He was dressed as the 420 Easter bunny...he looked like a walking anti-drug campaign.
I turn into such a nice and loving person when I take Vicodin
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
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