I totally ignored my nose and drank sour milk this morning. The tupid carton said 4/22/09. i puked everywhere..
just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
Note to self: Don't teach the naked lap rule in beer pong until after youve made a cup..
Ever have a day where u just waNna wake up get a blow job eat food and chill I just want today to be that day
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
Everyone else in class agrees the weed smell is coming from me
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
I told this guy in the dining hall that he's a hippie god and he's never made eating yogurt so sexy
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
are you fucking roseanne barr in there?
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
Pretty sure my aunt hooked up with one of my brothers frat brothers at his graduation party
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