True but thats because hes a fetus.
I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
Pick my eyebrow is burning. I'm sitting in the back of dolows vat and listening to jolly music and wilfgang is signing and looking food. Cute kid. Home is where I go now.
what. the. fuck.
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
I found the perfect eye liner, it passed the blow job test, no smudging!!
There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
red lips, whiskey sips, shaking hips, nipple slips. my life as a rap song.
You made a course evaluation for your vagina? Wow. You really are a professor now.
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
best way to lose double chin? blow jobs. I am fucking hurting.
I really prefer to do my walks of shame in the summer
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
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