just upper decked a verizon store cause they don't cover against "getting phone crushed by a keg." had to pay 175 for a new one
you have a cum towel under your bed, you're the definition of single
im not sure if this headache is from the car accident or cocaine withdrawl
I know it sounds like a good idea, but doing Spanish homework at a bar just because the owners are Mexican and they give us margaritas really wasn't the best decision.
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
don't you dare blame getting arrested on me. you sugested we play the penis game and we all know I'm a strong competitor
i accidenteley seduced the christian girl's brother so i dont think we can count on free church picnic food again
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
Then he started caressing my eye brow. Like repetedly. For at least 15 minutes. It was strangely mesmerizing
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
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