At home depot. Final room inspection is tmrow, gotta paint over the puke stains
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
I only saw you for about 5 min, but you were rambling about how not even the whiskey could make you fight the skeleton guards.
Invited the whole bar back to my place for an after party.....shit got real with everyone seeing dad drink moonshine like a champ.
I don't think you understand what laundry day means. I am wearing a swimsuit as underwear and my spanish club tshirt from junior high
Closed my eyes in the shower and got really dizzy. Not sure if neurological or result of 4 day vodka binge. Send help.
Finally liberated my Star Trek DVD from my booty call's house. Captain Kirk would be so proud.
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Guess who cheated on their SATs? Also on the same line guess who's getting in to Princeton at damn near free of charge?
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
Randomize
