whoever gets the blood i just donated is getting a shit ton of free thc
he's super hid and wouldn't leave us alone so i snatched his phone and started texting lovelink (thanks for a well-timed commercial) that will cost him money. muhahaha
i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
It was annoying to wait 4 hour for him to be inside for 5 seconds.
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
I'll have my hookups make my March Madness picks. Win my bracket, win my heart. That's how it works right?
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
Do you rver get that feeling like their are poprocks filling ur boday?
We smoked weed. AS A FAMILY. IT WAS BEAUTIFUL.
He's a 30 yr old man who voluntarily goes by Stevie and his job title is "Jumbotron Operator". There's a 97.5% chance he lives in his mom's basement. STOP THIS NOW!!!
Randomize
