I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
She just asked me if I was going to kiss her cat goodby too... This is why we don't stay till last call.
I almost puked on my graduation application. perfect.
we got 12 live crabs and then we got really stoned and know we're playing with the crabs. thats nom watermellon nom. now i'm plaing with a crap whos such a gentleman
It's been a wonderful constant drunkeness. We played Marco polo with some random like 8 yr olds in the kiddie pool.
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
What are you doing and how can I add sex in there
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
I went to BBQ fest on Wednesday and came home wearing a different shirt, so I think I did some good damage.
A true gentleman never tells. But yes, I did indeed get laid last night
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
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