Also my back is semi rug burned and I'm holding you fully responsible.
I would love to give you more rug burn
I just made out with a guy for $7.
It was confusing and full of hummus
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
No, that was the night I was sneezing out barf
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
True idk how my parents didn't know I was blackout. I ate like 4 pieces of cheesecake and showed my cousins my boobs
I will sleep with anyone I have to to make sure you don't get deported
Know your penis has been the topic of conversation over glasses of wine.
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
honestly my period and I are just as surprised to see each other every month
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
Randomize
