Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
When you want to head down the cleveland on Sunday?
What time do the bars open? I dont want to remember how bad theyre gonna lose
well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
Hes warming up week old McDonalds french fries, putting hot sauce on them, and counting them with his shirt off.
Then he showed me his sketchbook. Every drawing was a hand in different 'fingering positions'. Dear JESUS.
Found a pic of me suckling your nipple at the bar. Safe to say you don't want this one tagged?
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
I wish i could just live off of margaritas and good sex.
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
I would definitely ride that dick into the sunset if nuggets are involved
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
Sometimes I get confused on who I really actually know and who's lives I just know everything about via internet. Its a fine line
Been there. Done that. Still have his t-shirt.
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