my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
After he proceded to violently molest my tits until 9 am i snuck out of his room only to meet his mother downstairs, who informed me she heard the giant sexfest going on in the room next to them.. this was before she called us both "chickenshits".. worst walk of shame ever.
Kinda felt bad though cuz she whimpered and shuttered a lot, i felt like i was kicking a puppy, only the puppy liked it and came a bunch
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
This isnt meant to be as creepy as it sounds, but do you seriously want a lock of the hair I cut off?
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
I blew him while he was standing up and he drooled on my head
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
im so hung over everytime my dog barks the sound vibration makes my whole body hurt
He just sent me the contact information about getting the Zebra for graduation...
i just got hit on on the bus. Yes sir, because its every boys dream to fuck a forty year old with a face tattoo
Some girl woke me up at 1:30 am looking for weed and the next thing I know I'm in a hot tub with 3 girls, 2 40's, and a blunt.
Randomize
