i feel as if its time to shave my pubes but i should wait until before the party. nobody likes a sloppy drunk girl with a stubble-crotch.
story of my life.
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
He just came in my nostril. Never look down when a guy is pulling out during missionary.
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
We broke into the kitchen, stole cooking aprons, and wore them on the dance floor.
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
Currently looking up Winnie-the-Pooh porn.
I offer naked tickle fights and orgasms and you call it trouble. I call that Christmas.
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
it’s about to be september and all i keep thinking is what if i go (another) full calendar year without having sex?
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
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