I just caught Brandon licking the fake chocolate on a smores ornament
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
why does CNN give a flying $@*# about the royal baby so, so much?
i hope they name him Joffrey
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
Left my house last night with a girlfriend, $200 in my wallet, and 10 finger nails. Came home with no girlfriend, an empty wallet, and 9 1/2 finger nails.
Yea, I had a bad night too aha
I just saw your mom take a body shot off an undergrad, please tell me you're somewhere near by.
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