I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
Smoking bowl and applying to community college. I now know how I got here.
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
If Amber from Teen Mom can get a new boyfriend, so can I.
Ill trade u your bra for a run to the liquor store...
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
Just ignore his excessive use of exclamation points and be happy this one is of age.
You fucker.
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
who is the naked dude on the coffee table
thats jeff, jeff is nice so don't be rude
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
She puked off the side of the cruise ship onto a newlyweds balcony table and they watched it all happen then they made her clean it up
Oh also we fucked while one of the old Rudolph movies was playing on tv so it was festive
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
Randomize
