Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
I'm terrified to sleep next to her. Of course the sex will be fuckng awesome.
The guy is drinking 5 bottles of beer in a juice pitcher. Fucking amazing.
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
When you were bringing him upstairs I told him to bring you on down to pound town. you're welcome.
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
All the movies on cable here are either porn or Bollywood. I am never leaving this hotel.
How good was the sex? She sent me a fruit basket the next day.
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
You need to stop leading guys on at bars - you're a lesbian.
And now I'm a lesbian with better self-esteem.
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
Im crying watching 9/11 footage eating spray can cheese in my pajamas.
Randomize
