Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
We should steal a little kid and go to Chucke Cheese
we saw you sitting at the door of the dorm trashed, wrapped in DANGER tape with a stolen balloon around your wrist
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
Like I said I'm looking on the bright side. The bright side just happens to be filled with penis attached to hot marines
it only took 2 hours but we managed to melt the purity ring down with a butane torch
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
Everyone's going out for thirsty Thursday and I'm just like. Cool. Enjoy yourself. I'm gonna eat an entire pizza and watch King of Queens reruns.
For both our sake, we've decided to ban watching combat sports before sex
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
you have 30 seconds to convince me not to grab this guy's crotch in front of his girlfriend
Randomize
