You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
i just won a 100 dollar gift card to walmart in a karaoke contest...i love kentucky
I guess calling a coworker a lesbian sea cow is some kind of violation.
Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
You were like pukeahontas last night, you tried to tell us you were okay, then you puked in the garden.
That's the point of day drinking, get fucked up by 6pm so you can get stuff done the next day. It's the adult thing to do.
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
His morals are debatable, but his heart or perhaps his penis is in the right place.
His penis is crooked. Right place? Maybe he starts there, but then he slants.
It doesn't matter how many beers you've had, it's unacceptable to piss in someone's helmet after a playoff win.
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
These bubbles make my penis feel like it is resting on clouds.
With great boredom comes great irresponsibility.
Please tell me you're not on their roof again..
Randomize
