twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
All i have left of him are the magnum X-Large condoms he left in my room, knowing full well that no other guy I hook up with will be able to fill his shoes. He taunts me.
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
That hot guy i showed you guessed my exact bra size. I want to have his tan babies.
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
I found a blow up pig at an adult store. He will have to fuck that on video if he wants anal. Also, I bought a pair of clear high heels. Tell your brother I love him.
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
WHAT KIND OF DEALER ONLY WORKS FRI-SUN???
Ours, apparently.
When's the last time you had sex near some ducks?
I hit an all time low we ran out of coke and I met up with my dealer at 8 in the morning for a re-up. great customer service though.
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
He’s basically a sexual superhero. A mild mannered marketing intern by day, but a very horny 22 year old with pornstar stamina at nights!
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