Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
just used a blowie as payment for him having to take the dog out to let her poop.
I've never felt so inclined to grow a dick. THIS is what the gays in this town have done to me
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
I didn't even mind that he came early I just wanted to get eaten out and cuddle
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
I blacked out and when I woke up and looked at the counter.. there was a full cake upside down. I dont even understand ...
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
Also, I'm not that drunk, but I'm thinking of pulling the blinds all the way up and casting some porn up onto the living room TV to establish dominance over our neighbors.
Standing straight up with intensity he came in his own mouth. I know this because he showed me the video from five different angles when asked if I would like him to demonstrate. And I did.
Randomize
