One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
I will not ride trays down a flight of stairs topless and drunk....
You came back with four clearly unattractive women and wanted to throw a dance party in my room.
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
he drank all my beer while i was at work and passed out on my couch, when i got home he was out cold and my room mates pig was licking him. they seemed peaceful, so i took 20 bucks from his wallet and left again.
I accidentally called my professor daddy...and I think he liked it. Help, I'm scared.
I'm about to have a threesome at the hotel where I had my quinceañera. Becoming a woman under this roof for the second time, whaaat
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
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