woke up 7 floors down in the lobby...i my underwear. New high or new low?
New experience?
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
just tripped. bootyfest 2012 will be my engagement party. i saw the whole future. i'm moving to the beach.
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
Of course I will... FYI I just gave my balls a crew cut.
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
That shit was hard as fuck. It felt like a mountain entering my vagina.
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
He spent ten minutes post bj, limp cock still out, in shock repeating 'best blow job ever'. So yes, yelling I am the penis queen out the car window was justified.
Pooping in a box is not fun. You're not a cat.
Now I know Sunday Funday means fucking till you loose your voice.
Randomize
