Dude, Her having kids just means she puts out.
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
to which he commented "you must really like me on top". I didn't have the heart to tell him that was the only way the room stopped spinning
when i got there he was on top of an air mattress in the middle of the pool with a bag of doritos and a 40 telling people he needed his space.
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
just made one giant jello shot... if i have to study on a saturday night, i'm gonna do it as drunk as possible
We should start a Help That Bitch Out Fund and split the donations evenly between you two.
This is simple. Just sex and high fives. No feelings.
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
Partying with my eighth grade history teacher I know you're jealous
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
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