My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
fuck that im pissed. when I come back im ripping forskin off.
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
I look like slutty woodland creatures dress me in the morning. Everybody's got problems.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
I think I sold my soul to a dominatrix last night.
These girls next to us are doing shots called bath salts. Sadly this is the classiest bar I've been to since i moved to PA
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
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