She said she could kiss it, just not put it in her mouth. Because that would be cheating..
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
so the last visual we have of him for the next 87 weeks is him outside on the ground rolling around yelling I HATE BLOWJOBS
come back what if one of your parents walks in and im just sitting here eating a cheesesteak without you
I woke up covered in his pee. And then he poked me on Facebook.
I need a therapist, but moreover we are going to be really drunk.
It's like god touched my soul and said 'you will be great in bed'
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
he had a beard, sexy nerd glasses and kept referring to his penis as 'this dick' its like jesus was saving my perfect match for my prime
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
well i maturbated this morning, which means the best part of my day has already happened.
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
I forgot to bring soap and all I could find here was body wash. It's like bathing with laundry detergent.
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