fun fact: cucumber in vinegar with pepper = best ever high snack
and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
I Just realized that having a picture folder that says "not for mom" may give off the wrong impression to wondering eyes
I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
They're like penises that have been put in a blender.
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
Ha ha. You should see the things I'm doing to my body at Bob Evans.
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
she got the mcdonald's logo tattooed on her ass. sober. yesterday at noon.
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
Never in my life did I think i would give a blow job in the bathroom of my old elementary school. Twice.
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
Would you still love me if I got a Whatever Forever tattoo? It's like the Emo kids' Live Laugh Love
Randomize
