The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
This may sound mean but have u ever just sat in class and look at some of the the people and think how disappointed their parents must be
So I'm about to go to his house and have "I'm really sorry for cheating on you last night" sex
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
Would jacking off with Benadryl cream be good or bad for the poison oak on my dick?
I just quit my job so I could get dick this weekend. I'm pretty sure my need for dick is much more important than the customers' needs.
I'm standing up, for my all my brothers and sisters, and fighting against whiskey dick.
Is there a lightning bolt coming out of your boner right now?!
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
Am I under any obligation to let my new fuck buddy know I slept with his little sister?
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