Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
He can't get past my hymen. At least that's what he said it feels like.
if socks could get pregnant i would have catholic amounts of kids
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
y-o-u-r-e = you are, y-o-u-r = your. you are a bag of douche not your bag of douche. if you're going to insult me at least do it in proper english. that is all.
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
he ate me out like 4 times and told me that my vagina "was too much fun".
Seriously? A BAR is SPONSORING my 21... What did you do for your 21 again??
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
He sent me a pic stitch collage of all the tit pics I had sexted him this month. It was so sweet!
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
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