Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
I think the phrase "bag of smashed assholes" describes it best
think im gonna go get a six pack before class and sit in the back of the room...
Jesus people on campus asked me what i do for joy. I said i love sinning especially pre-marital sex.
sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?!
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
I thought I would be a proper lady and put my spare panties in a ziplock
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
I realize ur driving andwont read this til u stop, but I'm sleeping in the bed of the pickup. Please don't hit a deer.
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
I'd kiss your neck and collarbone and then run my tongue up your neck to just behind your ear
And then lightly kick the curve inside your ear
So naked ping pong was a mistake... Looks like we were attacked by an octopus.
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